Thursday, January 26, 2006

Conspiracy

Ben and I have been enjoying our discussions and research on NAIS (National animal Identification System), R-Calf, Federal Reserve, herbs, and health care attempting to discern between ignorant and fear based responses and valid concerns.
Our discussions about all of these things reminded me of an article I wrote a few years ago when our family ran ourselves in circles discussing vaccinations, cancer therapy, cooking foods, herbal supplements, antibiotic use in food animals, government vs. privatized health care, the legality of income tax, and so many other personal choices people have to make and all the conspiracy theories linked to them.

Now in the past I have always enjoyed a good Conspiracy theory, although my hunsky is much more logical and doesn't stoop to give credit to many of the ones I am intrigued by :). After getting myself royally confused by talking from one side to the other on everything, I sat down and wrote this article.
Disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in the article below do not necessarily reflect with complete accuracy the views and opinions of the Iowa veterinary student, his wifely sidekick or daughterly protegee. I can't speak for Tia or Franklet.

My story started just a bit over 10 years ago, when they first talked about making raw milk illegal. I had read with horror about the raw milk farmers who found their cows dead, herds taken away, and equipment broken, but I knew I was safe because I didn't sell the product. It was for my own use. I nodded my head in agreement with the others at coffee row when we decried the injustice of a government who will let us abuse our bodies with drugs and cigarettes, but finds it vital to keep us from access to one of life's healing foods.
As most bills are passed, bill 1D10T (otherwise known as idiot) was brought into the House and passed with no publicity. The bill stated
"AS of June ... it will be illegal for any person, animal or being other than the government to produce, sell or consume any form of raw milk..."
"How are they going to stop us from raising our own animals for milk?" We had a good laugh as we poured undiluted, pure 30% fat cream into our coffee and clinked our mugs together, thumbing our nose at the government. We didn't realize just how this bill would affect our lives AND our livelihood.
We went on about our quiet little existence, bothering nobody and nobody bothering us. Slowly stories began to filter into the news regarding farmers being prosecuted for illegal substance possession. Milk an illegal substance? No, not milk: RAW milk. At this time, I did not understand the impact this creamy, sweet, white beverage could have on a person.
WE still did not think this would affect the small producers with one or two cows raised solely for personal use. I was wrong.
The larger places had been shut down months ago, and now they started honing in on the medium sized producers who sold to family and discreet friends. They used subtle machinery, which could detect concentrated calcium and an infiltration system including highly trained agents who were masters in the art of detecting illegal substances. These agents worked their way into the hearts of the families and even married sons or daughters, biding their time until someone slipped up and gave them a sample of this luscious nutritious food.
With more and more reports of arrests, some of us began to spend our once treasured quiet time of the day - milking - looking over our shoulders for observers. We took to stabling cows in the barns 24/7 and milking with music going so no one would hear the melodic ting ting as the forbidden fruit hit our metal pails. A few even lined the pail with sponges, but from firsthand experience, I will say that sponges go down a lot harder than pure milk. We stored plastic 4-liter jugs of bought poison in our fridge in case friends came by unexpected (WHO were our friends now?), and if anybody was to ask about our cows, we stuttered and denied raising animals for anything other than meat.
Something unsuspected was also dealt with in the new bill. The wording had been so carefully thought up by the writer, and so quickly passed over us.
"It will be illegal for any..animal to consume any form of raw milk..."
Within a short while, it became illegal for any animal to drink the raw milk of its dam or otherwise. The government had experimented with portable pasteurizers, which were glued onto the animal's udder and ran off radiation and mercury, but found that the udders burned badly when the temperature rose above 110F. A new plan was developed and put into motion. At no cost to us, the government would take our newly born animals and feed them off their own specially developed newborn liquid, giving the cows a shot to dry them up in 2 minutes. After the animals were beyond the age of needing newborn liquid, they would be given back to us - for a nominal fee of 100% of the animal's worth - to raise for our very own. There was a public outcry, so the DOBFO (Doing Our Best For You) agents closed in on breeders of milk goats, sheep, cows and water buffalo, making sure the progeny of such animals were given the well-known sterilization vaccine, to ensure future raw milk fanatics would not use them as breeding animals. The secret antidote for the sterilization vaccine was administered to your animals only after you passed the 3-year orientation and brain washing of the POGS (Pasteurization or ..Go Somewhere). Superior animals were confiscated for the governments use on their well-run breeding farms.
Next it became illegal for any animal to produce milk. You will never know pain until you have seen your family's beloved friend taken away in chains and thrown into prison, denied essentials such as fresh air, sunshine and grass. Even they learned to deny ever having produced milk. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief when a second shot (given 2 minutes after the drying off shot) was given which caused the mammary glands to go necrotic and slough off - guaranteed not to affect the health of the cow in any way.
We now sensed the need for extreme care. Some housed animals in their basements, in secret rooms, in sound proof caves, and even underwater, using the secretly developed oxygen tank for ruminants available through e-bay - yes, it was hard to collect milk underwater when you milked by hand, but it was worth it in the long run. We took to drinking it straight from the animals, not even daring to catch it in some container, lest traces of the unmentionable drink be discovered. We fantasized about milk, rushed from bed for our first gulps, and carried it in flasks knowing nobody would suspect a far more dangerous addiction was developing.
Because of these exciting inventions made by raw milk proponents, a new breed of agents was developed. Marmooka: Men Against Raw Milk Or Otherwise Known As ...
It killed us to not know what they were otherwise known as, and they knew it. Just another one of their ploys to strike terror into the hearts of the common man.
Impromptu roadblocks were everywhere, and random drivers were forced to go through severe tests. Breathalyzers, which noted any raw milk on your breath, walking a straight line while an agent held a glass of raw milk 10 feet to your left, weaving in and out of raw milk filled pylons without touching them, and worst of all, driving over a bag filled with raw milk without wincing when it exploded and it's precious contents ran wastefully over the road. It was humbling to see drivers leap out of their cars to lick the side of the road after the car ahead of them had run over the bag, and then watch as the drivers were cuffed and read their rights while weeping family members stood by and swore they never touched the stuff.
One by one the neighbors began dropping like flies, folding under intense scrutiny and questioning. People informed on friends and family, knowing the rewards of full confession and the horrendous punishment of silence and loyalty to the family.
We had been more cautious than most and had put much thinking into our plan. Original herd members and most of their progeny had been sold to the licensed government milk facilities before the sterility vaccine was enforced, and only 2 cows and (and a bull) remained to keep us supplied with IT (milk). We had bred them to a size small enough to fit into the innocent looking case of a computer. Who would suspect modern day computer technicians would be housing miniature cows in the very equipment they were fixing? Possibly only those who strayed into the off limit working area and surprised a technician who pulled his head out of the machine he was "fixing" and was caught with white liquid dripping down his chin.
One of the reasons why I am where I am today. MARMOOKA POGS maximum security penitentiary. I am housed with all the other substance abusers, and though I have only been here 2 years, I am learning to love the people and now understand why "milk: it doesn’t do your body good unless it's pasteurized". I am under less strict supervision and have been given the illustrious position of training amoebas for the MARMOOKA yearly parade - you should see them juggle rotifers without hands. Some day I hope to work on the GENE (gene) committee which is trying to produce a GMO being that has no brain and just follows orders without needing supervision. Oh sorry, I stand corrected. I've just been informed that they already developed those 10 years ago.
During my stay in prison, there have been many changes to the outside world. Mothers raising their own children have been abolished, and babies are raised in sterile but loving environments on ABTAM (Anything’s Better Than A Mom) Formula. Via the normal childhood vaccines, a mutant was introduced that recognizes and destroys genes in the brain linked to production of breast milk, so that is no longer a concern.
Store milk as we know it has been done away with and is available in pill form. It has been pasteurized, homogenized, and dehydrated at inner earth temperatures until there is nothing but fine powder and no dangerous nutrients left. Add powdered dolomite and presto - a milk and calcium supplement in one. If you wish, you can make your own milk drink by adding water and stirring. Directions state:
"Do not inhale powder while mixing and hold nose while swallowing", but I find the powder only causes mild seizures and headaches, and after 3 years of taking it intravenously, I find the flavor is not objectionable orally.
I've only got another year before they will let me have my own unisex, udderless cow, and I will love it and hug it and call it George/ette.
Doctor, why are you looking at me like that?

1 comment:

Gianna, from CourtshipConnection said...

ROTFL! That is hilarious! Way to go, Heather!